Advice to Far-Away Friends When Disaster Strikes

“Advice to Far-Away Friends When Disaster Strikes”
By Rev. George Miller
Emmanuel UCC, Sebring, FL

Having recently experienced the destructive actions of Hurricane Irma, I also experienced the compassionate care of family and friends who lived far away. What I learned was that natural disasters cause many people to feel helpless.

There are those who go through the disaster, and then there are those who watch it from afar, wanting to help, but knowing there is nothing they can do but to call, text, and pray. Though everything my family and friends did was well-intentioned, there are four bits of information I’d like to share.

Do not stay-shame. The days leading up to Irma I got FB posts telling me to leave, get out, go. That my house would not hold up, prayers do not work, and my life was more important than things. These comments were written as signs of love and concern, but they felt like daggers of shame.

There are reasons why people choose to stay. For some, like me, they are care-givers and community leaders. As a church pastor I was not going to drive away and leave my congregation and community behind. My calling to ministry made it very clear that I was there to stay and be present before, during and after the storm.

Many people I knew are caregivers- nurses, social workers, home help aides, non-profit administrators, first responders. If we all left, who would be there for the community immediately after Irma?

Many of us had pets and most shelters do not accept pets. So out of love for our animals, and because they love us, we chose to stay instead of leaving them alone.

There is also the importance of HOME. For those who chose to stay it wasn’t about things, or items that can be replaced. I made peace that everything I had could be lost, and I was Ok with that. But I was not Ok leaving my HOME, where my roots were. There are those who will understand this, and there are those who will not, but I was willing to die within my home. That sense of bravery gave me peace and purpose.

Also, there comes a point in which even if someone decides to leave it may no longer be wise. For example, right before Irma hit, traffic out of state slowed down to an 11-mile-an-hour crawl. It took 8 hours to go what should have only taken 90 minutes. People ran out of gas; cars were stranded on the side of the road.

What’s safer- to be in your own home during a hurricane, or to be caught in traffic with cars full of fearful, angry people?

So please, don’t try to shame your friends or family into leaving their home or a community during a storm or disaster; simply say “I support you and will be here for you.”

Keep communication during the storm short. Cell phones have changed the way we live. Contacting people via text, FB, messenger and phone is instant and real time. It was comforting to see how many people cared about me and was contacting me during the storm.

However, many people wanted to engage in long conversations via text and messenger. This was difficult to do while riding out the storm. It also left me in a quandary- do I ignore their numerous text messages and appear rude or give the impression something bad just happened or do I respond?

This sounds frivolous but the fear and worry from family/friends during the storm was palpable and I felt like I was doing as much work to calm their nerves as I was calming mine.

At one point I was sitting on a chair against my front door trying to keep the wind from blowing it open, while individuals kept trying to engage me in a text conversations while the eye of the storm was overhead.

Keep communication after the storm simple. Cell phones work differently after disaster. There is no rhyme or reason, they just don’t function. Memes, attachments, links, voice mails, and long texts do not go through. Folks up north still wanted to communicate but did not fully understand that my cell phone was not always functional, nor did I always have the emotional energy to respond or to reassure them that I was OK, or repeatedly detail what the experience as like.

Not only was I in survival mode (living without electricity, stinky and sweaty, working on little sleep, worrying about if my car would run out of gas or my tires go flat, barely hungry yet always thirsty), but our cell phones were wonky.

I could text, but not receive instant messages on FB. I could receive calls, but not call out. My cell didn’t work at all at church, but did work in my home. Sometimes I’d have to step out into the middle of the street to send a text. Other times I’d cross a road and all of a sudden, the cell phone would blow up with message alerts spanning a few days.

What I most appreciated were folks who left a brief text saying they loved me and were glad that I was OK. The long, drawn out texts in which a loved one tried to engage me in back and forth conversation as if everything was fine…. did not feel fine, and added emotional exhaustion on top of the physical and spiritual exhaustion.

Don’t forget us when we need you most. Ok- the storm passes. A month goes by. But we have what’s called “hurricane brain.” We’ve become forgetful. We’ve lost a month of our life. Everywhere we look there is still damage and debris from Irma. Depression is setting in; folk are getting sick. And some other storm or disaster or political event has taken center stage and we are no longer “sexy” and everybody has moved on.

NOW is the time when what you do can make the biggest difference.
NOW is when you can offer hope, show your love, and share your resources.

And it is so simple- send them a card that features words of hope. Send them a letter that celebrates who they are and what that person means to you. Better yet, get a little gift card to a store or place or website they like- be it CVS, Panera, Olive Garden, i-Tunes, and say “Treat yourself to something you like.”

A month into surviving a disaster is when folk seem to lose hope and wonder if things will ever be the same again. This is a time in which they don’t need utilitarian things, but fun things that make life a bit better, a bit easier, a bit more enjoyable.

Trust me- you send a note with a gift card to a friend a month after they experienced a disaster- you will make a difference in their day and their life that they will not forget.

In conclusion, next time you have a dear family member of friend facing a disaster, and you feel incredibly helpless and wish there was something you can do, keep in mind these things
1) Don’t stay-shame, but support their decision to remain at home.
2) Keep communication short with your loved one during the storm.
3) Keep communication simple after the storm- don’t send memes, attachments, long messages/texts that require full responses
4) A month after the storm surprise your loved one with a card and a little gift.

Trust me, these four things will make a huge difference and truly say “I care about you, and I am here.”